Some times life is foggy and abstract. It makes you think too much and causes your head to hurt. You look to hard at the things that don't make sence and when they finally do all it does is hurt.

Maybe some of you get this. Honestly I don't even completely understand.

But I do get pain. Some times it's fun. To indulge yourself in misery, to be the dark brooding mystery that no one understands yet everyone is intrigued by. And your not usually doing it on purpose. Most of the time you want to be left alone, but sometimes the attention is nice.

I think that's how this all started. Someone was intrigued. Like I said, the attention was nice, but in the end it left me foggy and abstract, in pain with nothing but hate.

You see I guess I came to a realization. I always thought I had it so bad, that my life must have been the worst ever. Then BAM it felt like my heart and soul were precisely cut vein by vein, tie by tie; from me. Like God decided to show me the error of my thought. And then there I was, lower than ever. No heart, no soul. Only hate. And I have to say for a time I loved it. It gave me the fuel to fight, the desire to live, and the undisputed strength to complete any task. Through sheer hate.

But then the buzz wore off. The memories settled in and the hate was gone. All that was left was an empty heartless souless shell. Filled now with the pain. No matter how much I drank, how much I hit things, how much I bled. It would not subside. Every day reminds me of it and every second takes me towards the next day.

The point of this? I realized that I never had it this bad. Sure I've had it rough, but not like this. This pain, hate, rage, what have you has taken me so deep I may never be able to come back. I lost to it a soul mate, a best friend, my soul and m heart. And the thing about it, the thing that really keeps me up until these hours; thinking, drinking, bleeding; is that I don't care anymore.

The pit is so deep, so desolate that I don't care. Cut the heart from me, Rip the soul out of me, Be gone with the soul mate, and Kill the "best friend". It makes no difference. It's all the same now. With it, without it. Nothing but pain.

So all of this, all of my pain. From it I may never return, but I will damn well make sure I do every thingI can to stop the spread of the virus I have become.

My realization came all too late. But maybe because of it whoever is reading this can move on from their pain. Put it behind you, and don't dwell on it or tempt the fates. Trust me, the result is unbearable.

~ShinGen...